That One Time Everyone Was Sort of Nice to Rachel
by hiding duh
Summary: Puck/Rachel. Vocal Adrenaline would never try to starnap Rachel Berry. This is why.


**Title**: That One Time Everyone Was Sort of Nice to Rachel  
**Fandom**: Glee  
**Characters/Pairings**: Smidge of Puck/Rachel. Mostly ensemble gen.  
**Summary**: Vocal Adrenaline would never try to starnap Rachel Berry. This is why.  
**Rating**: PG-13  
**Spoilers**: Based on Vocal Adrenaline casting news. So... there are spoilers. Totally made up ones, but still. The names are made up, too, and I apologize for being presumptuous.  
**Word Count**: 3,200  
**Notes**: Hopefully, this is half as fun to read as it was to write. STD fair idea shamelessly stolen from _Community_. Which you should all watch!

* * *

*

It started, as most things tended to, with Rachel ambushing Finn in the hallway.

"Finn!" she greeted, eyes bright. "I spoke to Principal Figgins earlier this morning and he emphatically agreed—" she announced loudly, clutching a shiny textbook to her chest, "—that, in light of us winning sectionals, we the gleeks should band together and attempt to organize an STD fair."

Finn paused in the middle of the hallway. "Is that a new level in Halo?"

After a beat, Rachel tilted her head. "No, Finn," she explained patiently. "It's a crucial event where _good_ educational institutions—and apparently McKinley High—can bring awareness to sexually transmitted diseases."

"Oh," he replied, moving past her. "That sounds weird, Rachel."

"Yes," she agreed, falling into step beside him, "but we should use our new status to help our fellow classmates avoid the pitfalls and perils of adolescence by channeling our energies into productive outlets."

Finn's eyes focused on an invisible spot in the distance. "Look, I only understood the part about us winning the sectionals," he admitted awkwardly.

Resigned, Rachel nodded. "To be perfectly honest, I'm borrowing the idea from Carmel High." She tugged on his sleeve. "Vocal Adrenaline is hosting a similar fête, and I confess to being mildly... curious."

Finn took a moment to contemplate. "About STDs?"

"About Vocal Adrenaline."

Brows knitting, Finn clasped her shoulder. "And you want me to talk to Mr. Schue for you?"

Rachel beamed.

*

"Absolutely not."

"But Mr. Schuester—" Rachel began passionately, cornering him by the piano.

Will backed into the bench. "Rachel, the PTA will _ruin_ me. This is a high school, not planned parenthood—"

Rachel leveled her eyes with his. "I am appalled by your lack of foresight." She advanced on him. "Vocal Adrenaline is already campaigning throughout their community," she chided, "and while I believe we are superior in talent, we cannot compete with their popularity and exposure unless we rise to their level of involvement."

Will hesitated briefly.

"Also, Miss Pillsbury was the one who originally suggested this," Rachel added, feigning disinterest.

Will heaved a heavy sigh. "You can have the bus, Rachel, but you're doing this on your own." He gripped the piano lid behind his back. "I will not be legally, morally, or otherwise responsible for—"

Rachel flung herself at him.

*

"We're doing what?"

"Visiting Carmel's STD fair."

Artie's wheelchair grazed against a locker. "Rachel," he grimaced, "that doesn't sound even remotely awesome, which you said your news would be."

"Besides," Mercedes waved her off, closing her locker, "don't we already have, like, a celibacy club?"

"No offense," Rachel bristled, "but _Quinn_ was president of the celibacy club."

"...actually, I still am," Quinn said nonchalantly, tapping her fingers on the handles of Artie's wheelchair.

With a small nod, Rachel took a few backward steps as they rolled down the hallway, keeping her eyes trained on the group. "Please consider this carefully, everyone. We won sectionals, but we can't relax yet. After what happened with Haverbrook and—"

"What are we talking about?" Santana greeted, popping up behind Rachel's shoulder.

"Celibacy," Artie frowned, adjusting his glasses. "And how it doesn't work."

"It works," Brittany said slowly. "If you have sex with girls." She deliberated a little, appraising the fire extinguisher on the wall. "But that probably doesn't work for boys..."

The group paused to process this.

*

"_Hell_ no, Berry."

"But it's a polemical topic and the positive exposure will almost guarantee us a win at regionals," Rachel reasoned, spreading her arms wide. "Just think about it, Noah. We can sing about the pain of—"

"No," Puck said, slowly lowering her arm. "No. We can't."

*

"Be safe, children!" Emma called out after the bus. "And learn a lot!"

Tired, Will rubbed one eye. "Please don't encourage them."

Still waving a handkerchief at the disappearing school bus, Emma gave a dainty shrug. "It's admirable they're taking initiative, Will." She folded the handkerchief into a neat triangle and cleared her throat. "Also, you know how I feel about germocide."

Will hid a small smile.

*

"—and you don't want it to be like the end of Tony Award-winning Spring Awakening where everyone died because they were too afraid to talk about sex—"

"We GET it," Quinn complained, practically pushing Rachel down the steps. "If we don't do this, the Germans win, _God_, please shut up before you make my baby deliver herself just to stuff the placenta into your mouth."

Tina stepped off the bus behind them. "G-gross." Deftly, she slipped between Finn and Puck, who'd been lowering Artie to the ground, and adjusted her hat. "Maybe we should split up?"

"Agreed," Kurt sang, descending the stairs and haughtily fanning himself. "Ah, the smell of competition."

"And manure," Santana grumbled, linking arms with Quinn.

Kurt inhaled deeply, scanning the campus, then held out his elbow. "Shall we, girls?"

*

"It's strange to be here when no one's projectile vomiting," Rachel noted.

Aggravated, Puck ran a hand down his face, glaring at one of the colorful stands brimming with pamphlets. "Okay, so we checked out the VD chicks, now can we go home?"

"VD stands for venereal disease, Noah... or Veterans Day," she corrected absentmindedly, leafing through a thin booklet. "You mean Vocal Adrenaline."

"No, I don't," he muttered, glancing at Finn.

Finn avoided his eyes. "Look, Rachel, I feel weird spying on them."

Rachel spun on her heel, bristling. "We're not spying, Finn, we're... researching."

"Really," he replied thoughtfully. " 'Cause, usually, when I'm 'researching,' a sniper blows my head off."

Rachel closed her mouth with difficulty.

"He means in-game," Puck translated casually, bumping his shoulder against a particularly gruff Carmel jock.

Rachel shooed him away from the booths, her other hand pulling on Finn's shirt. "Look, I promised Principal Figgins we'd study the situation carefully so that we could potentially replicate it at a date yet to be determined."

"Oh, cool, so we are spying," Finn summarized.

Puck snorted.

"...maybe you two should go play Whack-a-Bone," Rachel told him. "I do not understand the purpose of this game myself, but there is a booth by the north cafeteria—"

"See ya later, Rachel!" Finn shouted, magically melting into the crowd.

"And you?" Rachel asked, eyeing Puck suspiciously.

"I think I'm gonna stay here," Puck grinned, stuffing his pockets with free condoms.

Disgusted, Rachel stalked off toward the south parking lot, where tall speakers were rising above the asphalt, shrouding a makeshift stage.

She was halfway there when bony fingers wrapped around her shoulder.

"Rachel Berry?"

Guarded, Rachel slowly looked up.

"Hi, hello, I'm Morgan Fink," the woman said playfully. "Vocal Adrenaline's renowned director. I'm sure you've heard of me." After a beat, she added, "We've been expecting you, Rachel."

All Rachel could manage was a startled: "...Mother?"

*

"Okay," Mercedes faltered, glancing at one of the open stages in the middle of a large abandoned parking lot. "We can't let Rachel see this."

"Yes," Kurt conceded dreamily, eyes bright. "We can't let her get seduced away by this... absolute angel..."

Mercedes batted at his shoulder. "Focus, girl." She hitched a thumb at the lanky boy on stage and his wild mess of curls. "One look at that guy and we'll be coming back without her, and we _do_ sort of need her to win regionals."

"I'm sorry," Kurt said, tearing his eyes away. "I missed about 95% of what you just said."

*

"...this seems useful."

Tina nodded, pausing before a table. "Wow. Carmel is pretty..."

"...weird?" Artie finished.

"I was gonna say liberal, but that, too."

"Yeah, I don't think I've even heard of... _this_ before," Artie muttered under his breath, snatching several shiny booklets off the table. "But I'm googling it when I get home."

Tina looked away, then surreptitiously tucked a pamphlet into the back of Artie's chair.

*

"What? Mother?" Morgan blinked, then effortlessly segued into a flippant, "I had some of my people at sectionals, Rachel, and I have to be honest—my sources all tell me you stole the show."

Rachel was still four sentences behind. "I'm sorry, but you look..."

Morgan gave a suffering sigh, tossing her hair in an obviously practiced manner. "Like Liza," she preened. "I hear that a lot. Never not flattering."

"No," Rachel started, then shook it off. "It _is_ a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Fink. I enjoy what you've done with Vocal Adrenaline, minus the throwing up."

"_Miss_ Fink, please." Morgan's lips curled. "And boy, I sure am glad to hear you say that!" She wrapped an arm around Rachel's shoulder and made to steal her away. "Because there's someone I'd like you to meet—"

*

"What's up?"

Kurt barely glanced at Finn and Puck before going back to nervously twisting his handkerchief. "Rachel's about to join Vocal Adrenaline."

"What?" Finn and Puck asked at the same time.

Mercedes shushed them, nodding her chin at the stage where Rachel was cautiously drawing closer to some fresh-faced dude.

Wary, Puck ushered the group within earshot, deliberately parking Artie atop a pile of wires. "Hey, Berry, what the hell—"

Startled, Rachel looked around, then fixed her eyes on his.

"Hi, I'm—I'm Charles Messer," that one dude quickly interrupted, blocking Rachel's view. "Can I just say—you outshined Babs at the sectionals."

"Well," Mercedes commented. "She's a goner."

"Yup," Artie agreed, wheeling himself across the wires. The sound on stage returned, and high pitched feedback echoed through the parking lot.

"Thank you," Rachel said primly, startled to hear her voice carry to the sparse audience.

"I just... I've wanted to sing with you since I first heard you perform," Charles continued enthusiastically, grabbing Rachel's hands.

Puck and Finn tensed.

"I... I couldn't possibly," Rachel demurred, but took an eager step closer. "I mean, what did you have in mind, not that I would actually—"

"_A Little Fall of Rain_," Charles suggested with a lopsided grin. "From—"

A bright spotlight shone down on them out of nowhere.

"—Les Misérables, I know," Rachel breathed.

Tina raised both eyebrows, nudging Artie. "Oh, s-s-snap."

"Oh, Rachel," Kurt waved gracefully, "farewell, you poor innocent soul. You never stood a chance." He quickly turned to Mercedes and Tina. "Dibs on any future Wicked performances."

Puck scowled. "What the hell? Why are you all acting like—okay, why are they sexing on stage?"

Finn's head snapped up.

"That's not sex," he defended quickly, watching Charles theatrically embrace Rachel from behind, then cocked his head. "Is it?"

Puck watched him for a long moment. "Seriously?"

Finn shook it off. "Okay, just let her finish the song and we can bail. We got what we came for and this place is totally giving me the heebies. They spelled..." he checked with the brochure he'd been given, "a lot of bad words wrong."

Kurt leaned back and glanced at the brochure in Finn's hands. "No, that's how you spell penis, Finn."

Finn's cheeks darkened.

Puck, on the other hand, seemed to be listening intently to the impromptu duet. "Wait, did he just call her that horse from Zelda?"

Kurt flashed him an offended look. "You _animal_."

Meanwhile, on stage, Charles brought his cheek to Rachel's, harmonizing.

"So, hey, don't rush the stage," Artie coughed, eyes pointedly darting from Puck to Charles and then back to Puck. " 'Cause that would be totally uncool and someone could upload it to YouTube or something." He whipped out his phone and aimed the camera at him. "Don't do it."

Annoyed, Puck kicked the side of the stage just as the song was winding down, "Hey, that was great, Berry, but we're late."

Dazed, Rachel tried to refocus. "What?"

Finn took a few hulking steps closer. "We promised Mr. Schue we'd be back by—"

"—five," Mercedes supplied. "We have... you know. Glee practice."

"What? No, we don't."

Eyes sharp, Charles scanned their faces, then hopped off the stage. "I'm sorry. That was rude," he flashed them a friendly smile. "I freely admit I currently happen to be a leading man searching for a leading lady, but I would not presume to abscond with yours."

Uneasy, Finn bit the inside of his cheek. "That was a lot of big words."

Puck's brows drew together. "Okay, buddy, this isn't a spelling bee, so just hand Berry over and we'll see you at regionals."

"Yeah," Finn concurred. "We need to go home and strategize about something we weren't spying on."

Rachel shot Charles an apologetic look. "I did get carried away, Charles. And I do have to go strategize with..." she trailed off. "I am sorry. That was not a word. Bad influence." Flushed, she looked over at Finn. "I'll catch up with you guys later, if that's okay?"

*

"We could sing _I Want You Back_ to her," Artie suggested, plastering his cheek against the bus window.

"Yeah, I'm not even a little gay," Puck apologized, sprawled across the back seats. "We could torch the place. We can siphon some gas. I have a lighter."

Kurt inspected his nails, glancing at Puck out of the corner of his eye. "Some of us have plans that don't involve a lengthy prison sentence."

"Really," Puck snapped, "all those gay dudes in one convenient place—"

Mercedes blindsided him, appearing above him with her arms on her hips. "You wanna go, little boy?"

Finn stood up, putting his hands up. "Look, everyone just calm down! Rachel is still a McKinley High student, so just... relax!"

"She could transfer..." Puck muttered darkly.

Suspicious, Finn narrowed his eyes. "Why do you even care?"

Puck sat up, leaning on his knees and muttering into his palm, " 'Cause I want to win. For once in my life."

"We won s-sectionals," Tina pointed out.

"And that one football game," Kurt added.

"And I won two bucks off a scratch-off ticket yesterday," Artie shared.

Tina grinned at him.

"Okay," Puck amended slowly, squinting, "so I wanna _keep_ winning. Chill."

Finn took a long moment to think, or possibly digest his lunch, then asked, "Man, do you have to like every girl I like? What, is my mom next?"

Puck made a face. "In my defense, dude, there's a limited number of hot chicks in Lima."

Finn clenched his fists. "If you touch my mom, I swear—"

"Hey, guys," Brittany drawled, knocking on Artie's window. "Like, I think I just saw Rachel's mom stuffing her into a minivan?"

*

"I'm pregnant," Quinn said unpleasantly, "I shouldn't be doing this."

Finn gently pushed her along. "We just need a little help." He gave an embarrassed smile. "It's for Rachel."

"Oh," Quinn replied. "In that case, I'll wait on the bus."

She made to leave, then hesitated. Slowly, she turned back, grudgingly allowing Finn to guide her through the fair. "Just know I'm only helping because the bus reeks."

Finn's lips curled. "Okay."

"Hey, if I were kidnapped by a crazy glee club," Brittany wondered out loud, "you'd come get me, right."

"...yeah," Santana shrugged. "Well. Eventually."

She spotted her target—a group of beefy jocks—and swanned off, running a seductive finger down a boy's chest. "Hi. So, we're looking for one of your teachers..."

*

"Carmel is a very progressive school," Morgan said.

"I've noticed, and I am suitably impressed," Rachel brightened, folding her hands in her lap. "But, um, where are we going?"

Morgan took a hard left. "Protein shakes. Proper nutrition is important, Rachel." The minivan careened around a pothole, propelling Rachel forward.

"Well, I agree," Rachel panted, bracing against the dashboard, "but safe driving is—"

"Have you given any thought to leaving McKinley?" Morgan asked, expression unreadable.

Rachel shut her eyes tightly as they narrowly missed a car speeding the opposite way. "Yes, of course, once I graduate, I would like to—"

"I meant something more... immediate," Morgan hummed. "Say, like this semester."

*

"Give her back."

Charles, and several confused members of Vocal Adrenaline, exchanged glances.

"We don't... have her?" Charles offered amicably, holding up a placating hand.

Mercedes crossed her arms, giving him the once-over. "Unless you want to sing opera for the rest of your life, boy, you'd better drop this sweet and innocent act and tell us where you've stashed her."

Charles blinked.

"I think she's getting some protein shakes with Miss Fink," he frowned, "but I think I understand now why she would want to transfer. You guys are _messed up_."

"She doesn't want to transfer," Puck growled.

"Yeah," Finn joined in. "All of her textbooks are there."

Charles faltered. "...what?"

"Look, Clay Aiken," Quinn spoke up, flicking her wrist in his general direction, "I don't care if she stays or goes or whatever, but I have to pee, so just hand her over."

"I already told you—"

"What's going on?"

The group collectively turned to look at Rachel, who was flanked by a woman she bore an uncanny resemblance to.

"Guys?" she asked tentatively, handing a shake to Charles.

"We thought you'd been starnapped," Kurt said finally.

Rachel paused for a long moment, looking uncomfortable.

"Oh, great," Mercedes grumbled, "you're actually gonna transfer. Thanks a lot, little miss diva—"

Looking guilty, Rachel sipped at her shake, exchanging a glance with the woman behind her.

"_Are_ you, Berry?" Puck asked, one eye narrowed.

She gave an offended huff. "As great as Miss Fink's offer was, you should know I'm fully committed to New Directions."

The group stared at her suspiciously.

"Plus, all my textbooks are at McKinley."

*

"Rachel," Charles warned, pulling her aside. "They're idiots."

"I know," she said, fighting a smile. "But they're sort of my idiots."

*

"We were even going to sing," Kurt said as the bus rumbled to life.

"No, we weren't," Puck hastened to deny.

"I'm touched," Rachel smiled warmly, radiating energy, and took her seat by the window.

Puck's eyes trailed up her legs but he said nothing.

Finn sank into his seat, raising his voice over the sputtering of the engine. "So do we still have to do this weird STD thing?"

"I think," Rachel began carefully, "we should go at our own pace and not imitate our rivals. We can win on talent and hard wo—"

A chorus of: "I'm trying to take a nap!" "Shut up!" "Go ahead and transfer!" filled the bus.

Rachel smiled to herself, glancing out of the window.

"...so this Les thing..." Puck casually plopped down next to her. "Are they miserable because they're French?"

Grinning, Rachel turned her head to look at him. "Okay, so in 1815, after Napoleon was defeated..."


End file.
